Nice

I've recently discovered something about kindness. It may not seem profound, but coming to understand it on a personal level seems to be slowly changing my interactions.

I have come to see two distinct types of kindness: that which aims to make oneself likeable, and that which is based on sincere caring. The two are not mutually exclulsive, but distinct differences exist between them.

The first type of kindness can come across as overly outgoing. Sometimes it is rooted in a fear of otehr people developing negative opinions about oneself. It can feel as if someone is saying "I want you to like me." This type of kindness can overflow with big smiles, and friendly remarks, niether of which I have anything against. "Like me" kindness, however, is often very superficial. Not like a forced friendly interaction with a person you know you don't like, but in another way. "Like me" kindness is about seeming kind and friendly, and as such can lead glossing over of real feelings. I know that when I'm kind in the "like me" sense, I have to cover up my feelings, and hide behind a smile.

Acting out of "like me" kindness can be a dis-service to me because it involves me not paying attention to and acknowledging how I'm feeling. Sometimes we're taught to be nice all the time, and "like me" kindness is a symptom. Being nice is not always what people want or need.

The second type of kindness is less smiley. Its roots lie in a sincere caring for other people's wellbeing. It doesn't require being super-friendly to everybody, but respecting people. A person who is not feeling well, is not happy in the current moment, can still be very kind. Kind acts are not rooted in a smile, but in intention. That doesn't exlclude smiling from this second type of kindness. The smiles are just a little bit different. They are not an attempt to gain good will, but the expression of real feelings of care and contentment.

I slowly came to see the difference between these two types of kindness after occasionally being exhausted by kindness, and from feeling phony. I was working too hard. Instead of just being me and being aware of how I was doing, I was trying to get people to like me by seeming happy and friendly. This required detaching myself from my real condition - not a healthy way of living. And kindness from deep caring is much more fullfilling, both on the giving and receiving end.

(Let it not be thought that I don't appreciate the power of a smile. In a fraction of a second, a smile from a random passerby can give me a great boost. I just think that the feelings behind a smile are very important. )