Light Myself On Fire

Pain exists in human beings as fire. A person can jump through a campfire after getting a running start and land on the other side without even being warmed by the flame. But sit right above, or in, the fire for 3 seconds and the heat will begin to burn the body immediately.

People's psyches seem to work in the same way...

If I move fast enough, keep myself busy enough, maintain constant movement, then I can avoid feeling the pain within me. However, if I allow myself to be still, I begin to feel the pain. It is initially felt as a discomfort with stillness itself - I feel antsy. If I make it through the initial antsyness, I become aware of discomfort. At this point, moving, getting away, making myself busy, seem like clear routes out of discomfort. Unfortunately, the discomfort does not evaporate. I just distract myself from it by moving. My attention moves to other places and I avoid thinking about the discomfort and feeling it.

But this leaves me in the position of always needing to move if I want to be comfortable. I can't sit still. I can't stand still. I can't even lie still. I need to move.

The other option, of course, is to step into the fire. By being still I can move into the discomfort. If I have the discipline to sit with the discomfort, I have a chance to stop avoiding. The discomfort seems painful at first. Perhaps too painful. But I am like a tree in the middle of a dense forest. The fire may come and blacken the bark, but what it really does is create opportunity for new and renewed growth. The trees need forest fires to occassionally clear away dead wood, clostrophobic brush and even disease.

By slowing my mind and focusing it on the sensations that rise to consciousness during stillness, I can step into the fire of my own pain. I can become aware of what I am feeling and what exists deep in my psche. The process can leave scars and has the potential to bring me down, not just clear away dead wood. But it is the only way to change my life from one of avoidance to one of engagement. Moving constantly to avoid discomfort exhausts me and leads to me to make decisions that are not fully conscious and that do not necessarily help me live a fulfilling life. I don't want to live a life of running from something deep inside myself. I don't want to live a life of avoidance.

I must step into the fire of my own deep discomfort and pain in order to create rich soil in which my spirit can thrive and my happiness can grow. The fire will hurt and may leave a scar, but it will allow me to strengthen my roots and grow to discover greater peace and happiness.